Healthy Standards or Unrealistic Expectations? How to Find Love Without Seeking Perfection

The Infinite List and the "Frankenstein Partner" Trap

Raise your hand if you haven't had, at some point, that mental "List" (or even one written in a journal). You know the one... the list of traits for the ideal future partner. It might sound something like this: "Must be tall, have green eyes, earn over X amount a month, be funny, cook, love cats, never be jealous, and dress impeccably."

We admit it, we've been there. We looked for that person who ticks all the boxes. But we discovered an uncomfortable truth: the longer and more specific the list, the lower our chances of happiness. Why? Because we are trying to build a "Frankenstein Partner"—a collection of ideal traits that, put together, do not exist in a real human being.

Today we want to make a vital distinction for your love life: the difference between Standards (which are mandatory and healthy) and Expectations (which are superficial and keep us stuck in loneliness).

What Are Standards? (The Foundation of the House)

Standards are non-negotiable values. They represent the foundation on which a relationship is built. If the foundation is crooked, the house falls, no matter how beautiful the curtains are.

Standards are about character, values, and how you are treated. Here are some examples of healthy standards you should never give up on:

1. Respect: Does your partner respect your opinions, boundaries, and body?
2. Safety: Do you feel physically and emotionally safe around them? Can you be vulnerable without being judged?
3. Honesty: Are they a person of integrity who keeps their promises?
4. Life Values: Do you want the same big things (marriage, children, lifestyle)?
5. Chemistry and Connection: Is there that spark and the desire to build together?

These are not "whims." These are minimum requirements for a functional relationship. Giving them up means compromising your own happiness.

What Are Expectations? (The Interior Decorations)

Here is where the confusion lies. Many people think they have "high standards" when in fact they just have "high expectations" (or pretensions). Expectations are those superficial details, often aesthetic or material, that satisfy our ego but do not nourish our soul.

Expectations sound something like this:

• "He must be over 6 feet tall." (As if height guarantees loyalty).
• "She must have blonde/brunette hair."
• "He must drive a specific car."
• "She must not have any annoying hobbies."
• "They must like exactly the same music I listen to."

Let's be honest: if you meet someone who respects you, makes you laugh, supports your career, and is a wonderful parent (if you want kids), does it really matter that they listen to rock music instead of jazz? Or that they are 5'9" instead of 6'2"?

When we put expectations on the same level as standards, we miss out on extraordinary people just because the "packaging" doesn't match our fantasy.

The 80/20 Rule in Relationships

There is a famous theory in relationship psychology that says you will never find someone who gives you 100% of what you want. In the best-case scenario, you will find someone who offers you 80% (the big, important things, the standards). The remaining 20% are the things you will have to learn to tolerate or negotiate (the fact that they leave the toothpaste cap open, snore sometimes, or hate shopping).

The problem arises when we leave an 80% relationship to chase someone who offers only that 20% we were missing (maybe they are more passionate or richer), but who lacks the other 80% (respect, stability).

We call this "The Price of Admission." Every relationship has a cost. The cost is tolerating the other person's little imperfections. If you are willing to pay the price (tolerate the small flaws) to receive love and support in return, then you have a mature relationship.

Why Perfectionism is Actually Fear

Often, we hide behind the long list of expectations to protect ourselves. "I can't find anyone because I have high standards!" sounds much better to our ego than "I'm afraid to open up and risk, so I find flaws in everyone to keep them at a distance."

Perfectionism in dating is armor. If no one is good enough, then you don't have to get involved, so you can't get hurt. But the price of this safety is loneliness.

Clarity Exercise: Spring Cleaning Your List

We challenge you to a small exercise. Take a piece of paper and divide it into two columns:

1. MUST HAVE (Standards): The things without which a relationship cannot exist for you (e.g., must be family-oriented, must be honest). Max 5-7 points.
2. NICE TO HAVE (Expectations/Preferences): Things that would be nice, but aren't vital (e.g., knows how to dance salsa, has blue eyes).

Now, look at the second column. Are you willing to be flexible there? Next time you go on a date, focus exclusively on the first column. If that person checks the important values, give them a chance, even if they aren't wearing the shoes you like. Shoes can be changed. Character, not so easily.

Conclusion: Look for "Good Enough," Not "Perfect"

We are not saying to lower your standards. On the contrary, hold on tight to the standards of respect and love! But relax the "packaging" expectations.

Real love isn't like Hollywood movies, where everything is sparkly and effortless. Real love is between two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other. So, the next time you evaluate a potential partner, ask yourself: "Is this trait that bothers me a character issue (standard) or just a preference of mine (expectation)?" The answer might open the door to a relationship you never dreamed of.

What absurd "expectation" have you given up on over time, realizing it didn't matter? Tell us in the comments, let's laugh together at our old impossible lists!